im so tired

i am trying to be good,ive not self harmed for a week my wrists look tottally different but somehow there not mine,im trying to loose weight but with all the meds it makes it hard  as hard as i try i get nowhere,ive dyed my hair red but no one has commented on it maybe they dont care enough to comment.

i went to see a gp for some cream for a rash i get he was a locum and i had not seen him before i didnt think i mattered for some cream i expected to be straight in and out.he was over 5 mins before he called me in i thought he would be looking through my notes not many BPD people around so i guess i didnt blame him for having a look.so i asked and got the prescription for my rash i was nearly at the door when he said can i ask you about your medication i wanted to say no but im a coward so i sat down"its about the diazapan you take"? as i said im trying to be good im suppossed to take one twice a day but i do take more im trying to cut back down i was taking around 5 but i was running out early and got caught out.he went on about the deluxatine,qietiapine as well.i know i take big amounts but thats me
its all making me so tired trying to be good i can either keep the meds down or self harm i cant do both i want to find some peace somewhere anywhere where no one will critisise me all the time if someone will tell tell me its all ok im going to be ok because im not going to be ok some push to lower my meds some not to self harm but they dont tell me how.
iwas suppossed to be going on some courses but im only on one its about women with low self esteem etc im going but i dont know if it will help the one i wanted was for 12 months all about people will severe mental health problems but i was too low down the list to get on.ive tried to get on an craft/art course but i dont think ive been accepted.its very rare i want to do something but i usual it never works out.sorry im complaining im just so tired with my life i just want someone to aknoledge i am here and i have some sort of life