just to say im still around too messed up to cope with life shall return soon

tuesday afternoon

today life is crap i am crap my head hurts when i was joined my the grim reaper i thought life would get better but at night i dream his thoughts and i wake up exhausted im not sure something in my head tells me i will start to see ghosts soon are they his past or future victims i dont know.no one believes me they think im on the edge of a sycotic break but im not its all real and its happening to me why is bpd distroying my life why does everyone hate me i have no one left to talk to im cutting again but i need to overdose thats all i can think off please tell me you believe in me

im so totaly exhausted both mentally and phsically exhausted at the moment no one will believe me that the grim reaper has joined with me and we are now the same person im desperatly in need of someone to believe in me instead i get the threat of going into hospital its about 30 miles from me so how can anyone visit maybe thats the point.im trying to get sleeping tablets because of the nightmares every night i think its because of him maybe i see what he sees too,all i want is to sleep and be alone neither at the moment are possible if we didnt have a guest i would have overdosed by now and at least been out of it for a while,i really need help but now its not there

thursday morning

sorry about the titles lately i just cant think of anything witty,
i went to see my sychciatrist today i only get to see him every 6 weeks although he says i can see him earlier if i want too i dont like to push in.he was running late today 20 minutes by the time he came for me agitated wasnt the word but i got in and sat down.of all the people i see he is the one man i trust 100 % but today he didnt believe me about the grim reaper i told him we are now 1 i told him how he will look after me stop people hurting me i thought he would be pleased for me instead he asked me about my DBT group he says its difficult course it might have tipped me over the edge he thinks im crazy he says theres no such person only i believe he is there no one else how can he do this to me im completly flat theres no one else left

tuesday afternoon

just got back from craft afternoon, glad i went i got some of my rag rug done still its going to take months but it gets me away for an afternoon.on the other side the grim reaper gets ever closer i know now he is here to look after me i was wrong when i thought he was dangerous to me.slowly we learn to live together soon i will be him and he will be me he will look after me let no one hurt me at any cost i need him i have been hurt too many times in the past does that make us dangerous to other people i dont know but no o0ne will ever break me again he promises i want to believe,no i do believe him

being alone

my youngest sons girlfriend is coming to stay for 3 weeks when i agreed it was ages away and i thought it would be fine but now the time has arrived its all going wrong ive started cutting again and i just feel the need to overdose again,i spoke on the phone to the schycologist who tried to help but i feel i agreed to it so its my problem. im used to being on my own apart from my usual appointments and i like it that way i dont know how to cope with others i should learn a lesson how to say no from this but i wont i just want things to be normal so i will take it a day at a time and see how things go

too tired

its sunday i should be cleaning or doing my crafty things but im so tired i just sit down and stare at 4 walls my brain seems out of action just know its not long now before i change my cpn again i think this is worrying me one of them i know who it will be it was the one i didnt want the other i dont know yet im having two so they can see me moe often the grim reaper is blending in with me he scares me i will end up in hospital for something he has done,im 46 years old i cant fight him all my life i have fought bpd all my life even before i had a diagnosis i knew something was badly wrong i guess thats the same with us all i have run out of ideas to beat it so im asking you all for yours i really need some good advice right now.

i used to wish i was busy

i chose this picture because im going to try to go swimming this week and i thought thats me the turtle and all the fish will be everyone else size wise thats about right im still trying to loose weight,my diabeties meds give me stomach cramps.it seems every day i have to go somewere at one point i would have liked it but know i just want to be alone.my good or bad friend the grim reaper folows me everywhere hes dangerous i do not trust him so i do not trust myself if he is me and i am him does it make me dangerous or a bad person if it was a hallusination surely all the anti sycotics would have got rid of him i really neen some help someone who believes me and realise just how scared i am right now

i found this picture i put it on because it to me resembles my life.ive just got back from the doctors my knees and hands are hurting its my arthritis he tells me it comes with age my are just worse than normal i point out he is older than me.he admits he is but points out i need to loose a lot of weight i know im trying but failing.
i try for some more zopiclone to sleep at night my sleeps not too bad but i want them for my cupboard for later, he checks my records when i last got some from him but notices id got some off one of the other docors too,so no he says because id overdosed 2 days later.the grim reaper follows me around still everywere i go i went to the opticion he stood behind him with a knife at his neck looking at me i got out as soon as possible would i get the blame if something happened to him he will not leave i guess he wants me to go with him i dont know but he threatens the people i know they dont see him they say he not there but he scares me because i know he is

sunny days

wow its hot i should be happy i should be out in the garden today i should be at my craft group but the truth is i havnt been out since friday.i stare at 4 walls no telly no radio just me and the walls.im not sleeping at night if i do the old dreams are there and the voices in my head tell me its better for everyone if im not here at all,its my husbands birthday soon its unfair to do it so near,my brother died xmas day i dont want him to remember me every birthday he has.i need help but the crisis team arnt interested,my gp dosent understand so as death stays with me all night maybe he will listen because i really need someone to

hi therapydoc i can never get to read your blogs as i never get a date so whatever i press it never comes up let me know what im doing wrong please

tired

its friday im suppossed to be at the gym but i dont have the strenth im just exhausted i havent done anything but i want to be alone so i dont have to talk to people.my cpn ran wednesday while i was out but i cant get back in contact with her my head feels like its exploding.my blood pressure tablets are at the docters to pick up but i cant be bothered to go they can stay there until monday thats the last of my problems,im going to watch my old torchwood dvds and cut myself off from the world

overdose monday

monday again the weekends are very quiet i dont have to go anywere so i dont i stay in on my own ,my youngest sons girlfriend has being up visiting and now he has gone to her house for the week so im alone at last.i know its a bit of a sick title but after the weekend normal life comes back i have to see/talk to people.so i do the only thing that works i end up in hospital with the nosey neighbours wondering why the ambulance keeps coming.its not what i learn in the DBT class but i hate my self i hate the voices ,the hallucinations, my body today i just want to be alone i know i need help i just dont want it.

hi just been to see the cpn i did something i hadnt done for a while now i cried i cried a lot i told her life is just too hard everyday its something new. more problems i told her i was thinking of quitting the DBT group i dont know if they want me there or not i dont think they do i found out they are all on facebook but didnt ask me, am i been paranoid my cpn thinks i am or is it they just dont like me and dont want me there,me being paranoid seems to come up more and more maybe im paranoid that im paranoid does that make sense i dont even know what im on about now.i need to block it all out now i guess its back to the sleeping tablets tonight

how cute is he

this is exactly the same as my dog bertie looked cute

bassett hound

my daughter and me

my daughter charlotte is a computer whizz so i now have a picture of a bassetty hound on twitter i was sick of looking like a boiled egg he looks just like my lost dog bertie i really miss him hes so cute and shes helped me with my blogs hyelp at last

i cant figure out computers

i think ive got it right now so my blogs are showing but i cant figure out how to put a picture on and i dont want to look like a boiled egg all my life so if you know how please let me know or if ive put my blog somewere else please let me know i could have published it to the world
i was suppossed to go swimming today but ive been a coward and not gone i tell myself i dont have time buts its a lie and i know it
ive got four baby rabbits and mum under the kitchen table in a run our male got in and yes you can guess the rest there 4 weeks old now there so cute im going to keep them there too cute to part with i dont want to end up as one of the animal hoarders you see on the tv though DBT tommorrow i can go and tell them about the last overdose make everyone as miserable as me never mind

well here i am again i thought by now things would change maybe they have ive just stated going to the gym,well ive been twice but its a start and im 6 months into my DBT course i go nearly every week its good to hear theres people just like me,goods not the right word i wouldnt wish BPD on anyone actually yes i would there are people in this world i hate so much the best thing they could do is die. so i go and listen i think the syhcologists are trying to kick me out they were having problems with all the self harm i should be better by now apparently so now im taking overdoses and ending up in hospital for the day only to be kicked out at evening they tell me i need to see the crisis team then tell me its a 4 hour wait so i go home to a silence as no one knows what to say to me so i retreat further into my shell alone the best place for me.ive joined an art class for people with "mental health" problems its good but its a 50min drive theres times i cant be bothered im good at excuses, the voices in my head my best friends or worst enimies im not sure tell me im better of on my own.if i could find somewere i could live far away i would me and my pets i would be fine am i right to hurt people the way i do,i found on the internet ways people have taken different meds to kill themselves i can only get mine weekly now i can no longer get that amount in one go im dissapointed i need somehow to get a break just stop time for a while block life out no responcabilities im tired.

new year 2012

just to say i hope everyone has a better year than last year. i have done 19 blogs i only got one comment back once so i guess i must be the most boring person ever to blog.so yes i have BPD yes i struggle really hard to loose weight yes  i hear voices and self harm and yes my alcoholic brother died on xmas day. so yes i feel like hell all the time to the point i try to take whatever medication i can get hold of as well as my own so seen as though no one gives a crap to put any comments i will say goodbye