just when you think?

today i found out i am diabetic its news i can do without so i have to change my diet and cut out all the nice foods and have the boring ones any recipies or hints most welcome. its one thing after another the docters are counting my diazapan by the day so if i take any extra i cant get anymore whatever i say ive run out of excuses to get them early.i got a letter today to fill in the questionere about my health mental and otherwise im dredding having to go for a interview down in the town centre last time i freaked out i cant do that again i dont want to end up in hospital but im scared they will stop my money i would rarther die than have to work again ive tried and failed that.my brother the alcoholic has to go to be assessed hes drinks a large bottle of whisky a day now and ive tried and failed to try and save him but he wont stop and im too tired to argue anymore tommorrow i should be getting my last 2 years of medical notes ive asked for i was told id be upset so god knows whats in i will find out tommorrow the self harm gets worse im past caring im so very tired i have to be in town for 9.00am tommorrow so i have to get myself up early with all the traffic so another day comes and things cant be going much worse

my first DBT course and life in general

its been a hard week ive now recovered from my roam around scotland i came back to a fairly tidy house but tons of washing never mind its done.tuesday i went to the doctors to have a blood test they rung back yesterday to say i have high risk of diabeties so i have to go for more tests next week its my own fault im so fat and stupid ive brought it on myself i wish i was as thin as most of you are i hate myself for what i am as much as i try ,700mg a day of quatiapine slows my metabolism i want to make myself sick but i am a coward and cant do it the last 10 years ive just sat and eaten more and more this is how it ended up.
tuesday afternoon i went with a support worker to a group where they do crafts im doing my rag rug now i like doing crafty things i didnt think i did but the people there are nice and my support worker judy stays with me
wednesday morning was the DBT class there are 2 scycoligists and 5 women but one didnt turn up so i dont know if shes coming next time.i didnt think it would be so hard we went through all the usual rules etc and she handed out some leaflets the first one wasBPD i hadnt expected it so soon to try and talk i couldnt speak they mentioned self harm especially cutting about ways to stop but i think i might be stranger than normal because all i wanted to do was cut right there right then the more they talked the more i wanted to do it to feel it to see the blood on my wrists it exited me i wanted it so badly i didnt concentrate onthe rest please tell me is it normal or am i sinking into another reality again what i didnt tell them was death was stood behind me all the time i saw him but they didnt he came with me and stayed all the time i was tired when it finished i stayed there for my next course it was a trip out it wasnt my thing they went into all the charity shops but i did buy my daughter a caender for2012 with cup cakes on every page i hope she likes it i slept well last night i had done all the cutting i needed to do and could now relax
thursday morning i went see my old CPN and we talked at her house and had a drink it was nice i miss her i was with her for years i wish she could come back but i know she cant so thats my boring week if nothing else it gave you something to do for 5 mins

back from the holiday

im back im sure you all missed me [only joking] had a good time up in scotland i was hoping to see the northern lights apparently some times you can but i was out of luck but you could see the stars very well as there were no street lights outside the hotel.our room had twin beds which seemed strange but i did sleep well i suppose i was out all day so i was tired and the food was nice you had 3 courses for breakfast and 3 again in the evening and the bar was free after 7 but i was too tired to drink and all the meds make me feel drunk after one glass anyway. my only grumble was the tv it was tiny only anout 12 inch ours at home is 50 inch so it took some getting used too.as for me didnt do too bad.when you went to be seated at the resterant on the first night that was the table you kept all week.they were sitting people in groups as they came in this however is a massive problem i can not sit especially eat with people i dont know so when asked if i would sith with a group i was quite wound up so i didnt realise how loud i shouted no and had a rant i needed to be sat alone so we were put in a drafty corner but we were alone it was now 10.00pm i was late taking my meds so i had to take it all with the free glass of wine after that i had a pint of lager but couldnd drink it all so i went to bed
 first day over.the rest of the week was trips out it was hard been somewhere new and ive taken far too many diazapan again my new DBT course starts wednesday morning for a year i am scared i hope it will be ok im not sure what they do if its just talking or what does anyone know my weeks are getting crowded i feel i have no time to be alone.monday im at the docters tuesday im out with support worker wednesday i have 2 courses thursday CPN friday syciatrist or visit my old CPN and i have to visit mother every day i dont know why shes so nasty sometimes i feel i might explode i dont mean to sound ungratefull for all the help but i dont see why they all want to keep me in this world where they know i dont want to be

they dredded shopping trip

once a week i have to take mum shopping today was the day i didnt want to go i really dont want to leave the house im scared to go out i dont know what reception i will get from mother.i stop outside the house to beep my horn i am already 30 mins late i rung to tell her i have to go to my brothers first to pick up his shopping list hes52 an alcoholic and spends all his time layed on the couch ordering from price drop tv another life my perants managed to mess up.so i go to mums she comes out dosent speak i want to cry iwant to go home i want to cut my wrists so deep until the relief comes instead i take her to the supermarket i get brothers shopping then take her home i stay for a drink she tells me my sisters been up twice[here we go again] she who can do no wrong then i come home im tired i only got 3 hours sleep last night.tommorrow my cpn and me are going to look through my medical records i am now obsessed with whats in there she tells not to get upset that makes me wonder even moe what is in there..i have used up the box of quiapine i got by mistake i had got up to 8 a night instead of two now all my meds are given to me on the exact day i will run out if i run out before i have to do without   at times i hate my schyciatrist and gp i know they are doing what they believe is best but i feel i am going mad the voices the hallusinations the cutting the constant fear of living its killing me.next week im going to scotland for 5 days so i am unable to cut but its a hotel so it should have a kettle in the room burns arnt as good as cuts but it will help until i get home ps candycan thanks for the comment i thought no one cared

im tied

im so tired but i sleep when possible with the lamp on the nightmares are getting worse every night my death by suicide by murder it dosent matter i wake at the last second people stare at me from the bottem of my bed i stare back terrified why do they want me i am nothing i am no one
life can hurt i went up  to my mothers today but she did not speak to me i tried talking to her but i was ignored i came home i dont know what ive done wrong i dont want to go again my self harm had been minimal the last few days tonight that will stop tonight it will be back to normal i will try not to get blood on the sheets.

my support worker came over to see me i told her about mum she said to put it to the back of my mind i only wanted my perants to love me dosent everyone want that but i failed somehow i wasnt good enough my sister is good enough but not me .tommorrow im going for my hair cut its been around 18 months since i last had it cut im having it short ive dyed it red hope i didnt make a mistake i did it when i was feeling better
so now im going to bed i can hear outnumbered on the tv behind me i usually find it funny but tonight ive taken a sleeping tablet so i can cope with tommorrow i feel alone so very very alone

me and my rag rug

yes i know its a strange title.it was my new support workers idea her name is judy and shes really nice we talk about anything at all i try to stay of my medications and my BPD because there all queing up to talk about that.so today i went to a group they run its in a church but its for anyone i was nervous driving over because its the other side of town so it took about 40 mins to get there but i thought i would try it out its better than been at home eating when im suppossed to be losing weight judy met me outside and introduced me i cant remember names very well but they all seemed friendly its for both men and women so i got a cup of tea and sat down.so today i started my rag rug i hadnt done it before so i started on a flower but know im designing my rug,the 2 hours passed really quick and i was glad id been different people had different problems but when youve sat for 3 weeks on the scych ward you can talk to anyone cant you.tommorrow morning its the scyhcologist and my stepping stones group in the afternoon theres no point me driving home really so i will get a drink in the cafe [arms to be covered or i still cant go in] so its a busy day again im hoping to find out when the 12 month course starts.i had to go to phisyso this morning with my knee so now it hurts twice as much as it did before know im going weekly there so know the only day i have free is friday when i go shopping when hubbie gets up i hope im not taking too much on i dont want it all blowing up in my face.i know this is a strange request but could you let me know if you see my blogs because i never get comments its ok if you say its because im miserable and boring at least i will know people see them so please please please could you just put me a comment down thanks