tuesday afternoon

today life is crap i am crap my head hurts when i was joined my the grim reaper i thought life would get better but at night i dream his thoughts and i wake up exhausted im not sure something in my head tells me i will start to see ghosts soon are they his past or future victims i dont know.no one believes me they think im on the edge of a sycotic break but im not its all real and its happening to me why is bpd distroying my life why does everyone hate me i have no one left to talk to im cutting again but i need to overdose thats all i can think off please tell me you believe in me

im so totaly exhausted both mentally and phsically exhausted at the moment no one will believe me that the grim reaper has joined with me and we are now the same person im desperatly in need of someone to believe in me instead i get the threat of going into hospital its about 30 miles from me so how can anyone visit maybe thats the point.im trying to get sleeping tablets because of the nightmares every night i think its because of him maybe i see what he sees too,all i want is to sleep and be alone neither at the moment are possible if we didnt have a guest i would have overdosed by now and at least been out of it for a while,i really need help but now its not there

thursday morning

sorry about the titles lately i just cant think of anything witty,
i went to see my sychciatrist today i only get to see him every 6 weeks although he says i can see him earlier if i want too i dont like to push in.he was running late today 20 minutes by the time he came for me agitated wasnt the word but i got in and sat down.of all the people i see he is the one man i trust 100 % but today he didnt believe me about the grim reaper i told him we are now 1 i told him how he will look after me stop people hurting me i thought he would be pleased for me instead he asked me about my DBT group he says its difficult course it might have tipped me over the edge he thinks im crazy he says theres no such person only i believe he is there no one else how can he do this to me im completly flat theres no one else left

tuesday afternoon

just got back from craft afternoon, glad i went i got some of my rag rug done still its going to take months but it gets me away for an afternoon.on the other side the grim reaper gets ever closer i know now he is here to look after me i was wrong when i thought he was dangerous to me.slowly we learn to live together soon i will be him and he will be me he will look after me let no one hurt me at any cost i need him i have been hurt too many times in the past does that make us dangerous to other people i dont know but no o0ne will ever break me again he promises i want to believe,no i do believe him

being alone

my youngest sons girlfriend is coming to stay for 3 weeks when i agreed it was ages away and i thought it would be fine but now the time has arrived its all going wrong ive started cutting again and i just feel the need to overdose again,i spoke on the phone to the schycologist who tried to help but i feel i agreed to it so its my problem. im used to being on my own apart from my usual appointments and i like it that way i dont know how to cope with others i should learn a lesson how to say no from this but i wont i just want things to be normal so i will take it a day at a time and see how things go

too tired

its sunday i should be cleaning or doing my crafty things but im so tired i just sit down and stare at 4 walls my brain seems out of action just know its not long now before i change my cpn again i think this is worrying me one of them i know who it will be it was the one i didnt want the other i dont know yet im having two so they can see me moe often the grim reaper is blending in with me he scares me i will end up in hospital for something he has done,im 46 years old i cant fight him all my life i have fought bpd all my life even before i had a diagnosis i knew something was badly wrong i guess thats the same with us all i have run out of ideas to beat it so im asking you all for yours i really need some good advice right now.

i used to wish i was busy

i chose this picture because im going to try to go swimming this week and i thought thats me the turtle and all the fish will be everyone else size wise thats about right im still trying to loose weight,my diabeties meds give me stomach cramps.it seems every day i have to go somewere at one point i would have liked it but know i just want to be alone.my good or bad friend the grim reaper folows me everywhere hes dangerous i do not trust him so i do not trust myself if he is me and i am him does it make me dangerous or a bad person if it was a hallusination surely all the anti sycotics would have got rid of him i really neen some help someone who believes me and realise just how scared i am right now

i found this picture i put it on because it to me resembles my life.ive just got back from the doctors my knees and hands are hurting its my arthritis he tells me it comes with age my are just worse than normal i point out he is older than me.he admits he is but points out i need to loose a lot of weight i know im trying but failing.
i try for some more zopiclone to sleep at night my sleeps not too bad but i want them for my cupboard for later, he checks my records when i last got some from him but notices id got some off one of the other docors too,so no he says because id overdosed 2 days later.the grim reaper follows me around still everywere i go i went to the opticion he stood behind him with a knife at his neck looking at me i got out as soon as possible would i get the blame if something happened to him he will not leave i guess he wants me to go with him i dont know but he threatens the people i know they dont see him they say he not there but he scares me because i know he is