my lonely life

ive been to see the sychcitrist today i look forward to seeing him i think hes great but when ive come out i feel more down than ever ive got an appiontment for december thats the first official one hes got but he does say he will meet me inbetween with my cpn if i need too which i usually do.i feel so down so sick of my life i live with my family but i feel so lonely so detached from life its a life i dont want.im on a course on wednesday but were meeting in the cafe area the same one i was told i couldnt go in due to my self harm so i dont know if they will let me in.im still messing around with the meds ive got to try and get a prescription today a week early ive taken them all again. ive been talking to the voices a lot this week but there not being very helpfull.thers a new support worker coming this afternoon i cant remember her name were going out for a walk and a drink while my husbands support worker comes to see him im scared i know she want like me and i dont know what to talk about.people tell me im lucky living in huddersfield as i get a lot of support maybe i do but it just seems everyone wants to poke about in my brain if they knew the truth i would be in hospital by now.im watching the clock now waiting for them to come. i know i leave boring blogs but could someone leave me a comment just to let me know your there im just so lonely i just want to cry

im so tired

i am trying to be good,ive not self harmed for a week my wrists look tottally different but somehow there not mine,im trying to loose weight but with all the meds it makes it hard  as hard as i try i get nowhere,ive dyed my hair red but no one has commented on it maybe they dont care enough to comment.

i went to see a gp for some cream for a rash i get he was a locum and i had not seen him before i didnt think i mattered for some cream i expected to be straight in and out.he was over 5 mins before he called me in i thought he would be looking through my notes not many BPD people around so i guess i didnt blame him for having a look.so i asked and got the prescription for my rash i was nearly at the door when he said can i ask you about your medication i wanted to say no but im a coward so i sat down"its about the diazapan you take"? as i said im trying to be good im suppossed to take one twice a day but i do take more im trying to cut back down i was taking around 5 but i was running out early and got caught out.he went on about the deluxatine,qietiapine as well.i know i take big amounts but thats me
its all making me so tired trying to be good i can either keep the meds down or self harm i cant do both i want to find some peace somewhere anywhere where no one will critisise me all the time if someone will tell tell me its all ok im going to be ok because im not going to be ok some push to lower my meds some not to self harm but they dont tell me how.
iwas suppossed to be going on some courses but im only on one its about women with low self esteem etc im going but i dont know if it will help the one i wanted was for 12 months all about people will severe mental health problems but i was too low down the list to get on.ive tried to get on an craft/art course but i dont think ive been accepted.its very rare i want to do something but i usual it never works out.sorry im complaining im just so tired with my life i just want someone to aknoledge i am here and i have some sort of life

messing around with medication

i can think of a witty title today, im tired of it all i went to the scyhciatrist yesterday he is nice and listens to me my cpn got me an emergency appointment with him.hes the top docter and i am one of the few that hasnt been given to another docter im scared one day he will hand me over to another docter that wont care about me and just consider me one more scycotic idiot.im not sure im getting along with my new cpn i cant cope with change so ive found a new way to help,ive started doubling or in some cases trebling what im taking just to see if im still around the next morning but ive been caught out becauuse i get my prescriptions monthly so im running out.i talked about this with him as he was going to find out anyway from my gp so im only allowed a few at a time now.ive also been told i cant come in to see them without covering my cuts because it freaks people out but they dont care about me so why should i care about them.i feel so very very lonely no one seems to understand my life is like hell sometimes i go from one idea to the next hoping something will help but all i try fails.im 45 now i cant keep living like this.they wont put me in hospital in case it makes me worse but ive asked for copies of the letters in my file between my scyhciatrist and gp to see what they say about me but i dont know if i will get them so until later

why cant i use the word no

my cpn has rung even though i left a message that i didnt want her to get in touch. she wants me to come  and talk about why i dont want to see her again i said i would come as she kept going on about how much knoledge she had in BPD  i wanted to say no but i didnt so im going tommorrow she made me feel like i was in the wrong and now the conversation is going to be so difficult i dont see how im going to say i want to see someone else,i have no confidence in myself then i get angry with myself and then i will be up self harming all night until i finally get some sleep.im afraid that years of severe bullying while i was at school and even at my brief attept at work even though it was a long time age damaged any confidence and i will still go to any lenths to avoid having to disagree with people i would rarther just be a mug for people luckily i dont have any so called friends mental illness soon gets rid of them people still cross the road rarther than speak and now thats the way i prefer it. so, tommorrow is coming soon i will have to cover my scars make sure no bloods showing and go and be told how wrong i am again and im scared

struggling on BPD

For some reason i cant think of a title today maybe my brains turned to mush lifecarries on i went for a drink in the town centre today these are the only times i go except for once a year when my daughter and i go xmas shopping.so i go with my friend once a month shes actually my old cpn but they moved her to a different department,i miss her so very much she understands about BPD the problems and the emotional baggage that comes with it .i was doing so much better all my new one talks about is being possitive its like she thinks like a miserable sod on purpose.the thing is i know i have depression but i want to just lock that part away and concentrate on the borderline emotions,how my moods can fluctuate from ok to suicidal even in the same day ifeel my life hangs from a thread in which i have no control even in a room full of people i feel at my most alone and insicure this in when the self harm comes in to feel so alone ,unwanted and uncared for makes me want to scream that i just want someone to hold me but i cannot bare the thought of being touched i am now 46 ispent 14 years being dianozed between manic depressive and bi-polar before 2 years ago they finally got it right.the docters gave me a book about BPD it was like it had been written about me how did they get it wrong for such a long time.it might have labbelled me for life but at least its the right one