sunny days

wow its hot i should be happy i should be out in the garden today i should be at my craft group but the truth is i havnt been out since friday.i stare at 4 walls no telly no radio just me and the walls.im not sleeping at night if i do the old dreams are there and the voices in my head tell me its better for everyone if im not here at all,its my husbands birthday soon its unfair to do it so near,my brother died xmas day i dont want him to remember me every birthday he has.i need help but the crisis team arnt interested,my gp dosent understand so as death stays with me all night maybe he will listen because i really need someone to

hi therapydoc i can never get to read your blogs as i never get a date so whatever i press it never comes up let me know what im doing wrong please

tired

its friday im suppossed to be at the gym but i dont have the strenth im just exhausted i havent done anything but i want to be alone so i dont have to talk to people.my cpn ran wednesday while i was out but i cant get back in contact with her my head feels like its exploding.my blood pressure tablets are at the docters to pick up but i cant be bothered to go they can stay there until monday thats the last of my problems,im going to watch my old torchwood dvds and cut myself off from the world

overdose monday

monday again the weekends are very quiet i dont have to go anywere so i dont i stay in on my own ,my youngest sons girlfriend has being up visiting and now he has gone to her house for the week so im alone at last.i know its a bit of a sick title but after the weekend normal life comes back i have to see/talk to people.so i do the only thing that works i end up in hospital with the nosey neighbours wondering why the ambulance keeps coming.its not what i learn in the DBT class but i hate my self i hate the voices ,the hallucinations, my body today i just want to be alone i know i need help i just dont want it.

hi just been to see the cpn i did something i hadnt done for a while now i cried i cried a lot i told her life is just too hard everyday its something new. more problems i told her i was thinking of quitting the DBT group i dont know if they want me there or not i dont think they do i found out they are all on facebook but didnt ask me, am i been paranoid my cpn thinks i am or is it they just dont like me and dont want me there,me being paranoid seems to come up more and more maybe im paranoid that im paranoid does that make sense i dont even know what im on about now.i need to block it all out now i guess its back to the sleeping tablets tonight

how cute is he

this is exactly the same as my dog bertie looked cute

bassett hound

my daughter and me

my daughter charlotte is a computer whizz so i now have a picture of a bassetty hound on twitter i was sick of looking like a boiled egg he looks just like my lost dog bertie i really miss him hes so cute and shes helped me with my blogs hyelp at last

i cant figure out computers

i think ive got it right now so my blogs are showing but i cant figure out how to put a picture on and i dont want to look like a boiled egg all my life so if you know how please let me know or if ive put my blog somewere else please let me know i could have published it to the world
i was suppossed to go swimming today but ive been a coward and not gone i tell myself i dont have time buts its a lie and i know it
ive got four baby rabbits and mum under the kitchen table in a run our male got in and yes you can guess the rest there 4 weeks old now there so cute im going to keep them there too cute to part with i dont want to end up as one of the animal hoarders you see on the tv though DBT tommorrow i can go and tell them about the last overdose make everyone as miserable as me never mind

well here i am again i thought by now things would change maybe they have ive just stated going to the gym,well ive been twice but its a start and im 6 months into my DBT course i go nearly every week its good to hear theres people just like me,goods not the right word i wouldnt wish BPD on anyone actually yes i would there are people in this world i hate so much the best thing they could do is die. so i go and listen i think the syhcologists are trying to kick me out they were having problems with all the self harm i should be better by now apparently so now im taking overdoses and ending up in hospital for the day only to be kicked out at evening they tell me i need to see the crisis team then tell me its a 4 hour wait so i go home to a silence as no one knows what to say to me so i retreat further into my shell alone the best place for me.ive joined an art class for people with "mental health" problems its good but its a 50min drive theres times i cant be bothered im good at excuses, the voices in my head my best friends or worst enimies im not sure tell me im better of on my own.if i could find somewere i could live far away i would me and my pets i would be fine am i right to hurt people the way i do,i found on the internet ways people have taken different meds to kill themselves i can only get mine weekly now i can no longer get that amount in one go im dissapointed i need somehow to get a break just stop time for a while block life out no responcabilities im tired.