i just want xmas to go away

im usually a person that can look forward to xmas but this year it has been awful. my brother was admitted into hospital the week before and he died on xmas day morning he was53 and it was a waste of a life he was an alcoholic. i had tried i thought to do all i could i visited him at home i tried to get him help with different docters etc but in the end he did not or could not take the help and so he died, in the end he did not seem the brother i had known i will miss him im arranging the funeral but its difficult at this time of year but im doing my best. my self harming has slowed down it was going one way or the other and my family do not want to loose me too.my DBT course is ongoing its hard i didnt expect it to be but put 5 people in a room all with BPD and everything seems to become far too real all i want to do is cut when i come out it sounds like a sick joke 5 of us trying to survive a 1 year course.ive completly fallen off the diabetic diet and its making me feel crap all the buiscuits cakes pies etc all i shouldnt eat i have and im due at the docters thurday my life has fallen to bits and im not sure how to get it all going again.my docter has refused to order my new prescription as its 2 days early they count my diazapan out to the day they make me feel like a child although i think ive gone around most of them trying to get more just a few to take me over this xmas but no chance.im sorry we all seem to be having a rough time i wont say next year will be better as i know with experience it will be just as crap

have you had any problems

ive not been around for a while so ive not been checking my emails for a couple of days so today when i looked i had 20 all about BPD and blogging most were offensive some are not but none of them are about me it was quite a shock has anyone else had this problem if you have how can i stop getting them i never get any comments so i thought no one was intersted but if thats true its better than all the offensive ones can you help me

just when you think?

today i found out i am diabetic its news i can do without so i have to change my diet and cut out all the nice foods and have the boring ones any recipies or hints most welcome. its one thing after another the docters are counting my diazapan by the day so if i take any extra i cant get anymore whatever i say ive run out of excuses to get them early.i got a letter today to fill in the questionere about my health mental and otherwise im dredding having to go for a interview down in the town centre last time i freaked out i cant do that again i dont want to end up in hospital but im scared they will stop my money i would rarther die than have to work again ive tried and failed that.my brother the alcoholic has to go to be assessed hes drinks a large bottle of whisky a day now and ive tried and failed to try and save him but he wont stop and im too tired to argue anymore tommorrow i should be getting my last 2 years of medical notes ive asked for i was told id be upset so god knows whats in i will find out tommorrow the self harm gets worse im past caring im so very tired i have to be in town for 9.00am tommorrow so i have to get myself up early with all the traffic so another day comes and things cant be going much worse

my first DBT course and life in general

its been a hard week ive now recovered from my roam around scotland i came back to a fairly tidy house but tons of washing never mind its done.tuesday i went to the doctors to have a blood test they rung back yesterday to say i have high risk of diabeties so i have to go for more tests next week its my own fault im so fat and stupid ive brought it on myself i wish i was as thin as most of you are i hate myself for what i am as much as i try ,700mg a day of quatiapine slows my metabolism i want to make myself sick but i am a coward and cant do it the last 10 years ive just sat and eaten more and more this is how it ended up.
tuesday afternoon i went with a support worker to a group where they do crafts im doing my rag rug now i like doing crafty things i didnt think i did but the people there are nice and my support worker judy stays with me
wednesday morning was the DBT class there are 2 scycoligists and 5 women but one didnt turn up so i dont know if shes coming next time.i didnt think it would be so hard we went through all the usual rules etc and she handed out some leaflets the first one wasBPD i hadnt expected it so soon to try and talk i couldnt speak they mentioned self harm especially cutting about ways to stop but i think i might be stranger than normal because all i wanted to do was cut right there right then the more they talked the more i wanted to do it to feel it to see the blood on my wrists it exited me i wanted it so badly i didnt concentrate onthe rest please tell me is it normal or am i sinking into another reality again what i didnt tell them was death was stood behind me all the time i saw him but they didnt he came with me and stayed all the time i was tired when it finished i stayed there for my next course it was a trip out it wasnt my thing they went into all the charity shops but i did buy my daughter a caender for2012 with cup cakes on every page i hope she likes it i slept well last night i had done all the cutting i needed to do and could now relax
thursday morning i went see my old CPN and we talked at her house and had a drink it was nice i miss her i was with her for years i wish she could come back but i know she cant so thats my boring week if nothing else it gave you something to do for 5 mins

back from the holiday

im back im sure you all missed me [only joking] had a good time up in scotland i was hoping to see the northern lights apparently some times you can but i was out of luck but you could see the stars very well as there were no street lights outside the hotel.our room had twin beds which seemed strange but i did sleep well i suppose i was out all day so i was tired and the food was nice you had 3 courses for breakfast and 3 again in the evening and the bar was free after 7 but i was too tired to drink and all the meds make me feel drunk after one glass anyway. my only grumble was the tv it was tiny only anout 12 inch ours at home is 50 inch so it took some getting used too.as for me didnt do too bad.when you went to be seated at the resterant on the first night that was the table you kept all week.they were sitting people in groups as they came in this however is a massive problem i can not sit especially eat with people i dont know so when asked if i would sith with a group i was quite wound up so i didnt realise how loud i shouted no and had a rant i needed to be sat alone so we were put in a drafty corner but we were alone it was now 10.00pm i was late taking my meds so i had to take it all with the free glass of wine after that i had a pint of lager but couldnd drink it all so i went to bed
 first day over.the rest of the week was trips out it was hard been somewhere new and ive taken far too many diazapan again my new DBT course starts wednesday morning for a year i am scared i hope it will be ok im not sure what they do if its just talking or what does anyone know my weeks are getting crowded i feel i have no time to be alone.monday im at the docters tuesday im out with support worker wednesday i have 2 courses thursday CPN friday syciatrist or visit my old CPN and i have to visit mother every day i dont know why shes so nasty sometimes i feel i might explode i dont mean to sound ungratefull for all the help but i dont see why they all want to keep me in this world where they know i dont want to be

they dredded shopping trip

once a week i have to take mum shopping today was the day i didnt want to go i really dont want to leave the house im scared to go out i dont know what reception i will get from mother.i stop outside the house to beep my horn i am already 30 mins late i rung to tell her i have to go to my brothers first to pick up his shopping list hes52 an alcoholic and spends all his time layed on the couch ordering from price drop tv another life my perants managed to mess up.so i go to mums she comes out dosent speak i want to cry iwant to go home i want to cut my wrists so deep until the relief comes instead i take her to the supermarket i get brothers shopping then take her home i stay for a drink she tells me my sisters been up twice[here we go again] she who can do no wrong then i come home im tired i only got 3 hours sleep last night.tommorrow my cpn and me are going to look through my medical records i am now obsessed with whats in there she tells not to get upset that makes me wonder even moe what is in there..i have used up the box of quiapine i got by mistake i had got up to 8 a night instead of two now all my meds are given to me on the exact day i will run out if i run out before i have to do without   at times i hate my schyciatrist and gp i know they are doing what they believe is best but i feel i am going mad the voices the hallusinations the cutting the constant fear of living its killing me.next week im going to scotland for 5 days so i am unable to cut but its a hotel so it should have a kettle in the room burns arnt as good as cuts but it will help until i get home ps candycan thanks for the comment i thought no one cared

im tied

im so tired but i sleep when possible with the lamp on the nightmares are getting worse every night my death by suicide by murder it dosent matter i wake at the last second people stare at me from the bottem of my bed i stare back terrified why do they want me i am nothing i am no one
life can hurt i went up  to my mothers today but she did not speak to me i tried talking to her but i was ignored i came home i dont know what ive done wrong i dont want to go again my self harm had been minimal the last few days tonight that will stop tonight it will be back to normal i will try not to get blood on the sheets.

my support worker came over to see me i told her about mum she said to put it to the back of my mind i only wanted my perants to love me dosent everyone want that but i failed somehow i wasnt good enough my sister is good enough but not me .tommorrow im going for my hair cut its been around 18 months since i last had it cut im having it short ive dyed it red hope i didnt make a mistake i did it when i was feeling better
so now im going to bed i can hear outnumbered on the tv behind me i usually find it funny but tonight ive taken a sleeping tablet so i can cope with tommorrow i feel alone so very very alone

me and my rag rug

yes i know its a strange title.it was my new support workers idea her name is judy and shes really nice we talk about anything at all i try to stay of my medications and my BPD because there all queing up to talk about that.so today i went to a group they run its in a church but its for anyone i was nervous driving over because its the other side of town so it took about 40 mins to get there but i thought i would try it out its better than been at home eating when im suppossed to be losing weight judy met me outside and introduced me i cant remember names very well but they all seemed friendly its for both men and women so i got a cup of tea and sat down.so today i started my rag rug i hadnt done it before so i started on a flower but know im designing my rug,the 2 hours passed really quick and i was glad id been different people had different problems but when youve sat for 3 weeks on the scych ward you can talk to anyone cant you.tommorrow morning its the scyhcologist and my stepping stones group in the afternoon theres no point me driving home really so i will get a drink in the cafe [arms to be covered or i still cant go in] so its a busy day again im hoping to find out when the 12 month course starts.i had to go to phisyso this morning with my knee so now it hurts twice as much as it did before know im going weekly there so know the only day i have free is friday when i go shopping when hubbie gets up i hope im not taking too much on i dont want it all blowing up in my face.i know this is a strange request but could you let me know if you see my blogs because i never get comments its ok if you say its because im miserable and boring at least i will know people see them so please please please could you just put me a comment down thanks

sitting in the corner

i had come out of a really bad few weeks ones if everything had gone right i would not be here still boring you about my boring life and its problems.thats what i feel i am boring i cant hold down a job like most people can and i know now i never will.i live my life with my family at home most days doing nothing more than wanting to hide from the human race. i am being selfish i know i have people who want to help me some days someone will come most days to check on the state of my "mental health" mondays its down to the docters tuesday its mt support worker wednesday im on a course in huddersfield for two hours in the afternoon thursday its my scyhcoligist and my cpn both seperatly and fridays every 4 weeks or so its the scyhcitrist so i do get lots of help and i dont mean to sound ungratefull.i wanted to get on the weight management course but they wont accept me until i havnt self harmed for 6 months at the moment if im not too bad i can go for 2 to 3 days any ideas welcome on how to loose weight while im on 700mg of quiapine nightly as well as diazapan and anti deppressents really if you shake me i might rattle does anyone know what works better for BPD because i feel like ive tried all thats going.i just feel so lonely just know and tired i slept last night but my heads on a different planet.im on my own all today everyones gone out so i guess i should do the housework its getting a mess but all i want to do is watch rubbish on tv well stare at itv anyway i dont really take it in.hopefully im on the november course for the 12 month schycology couse there will be others with BPD there too up to now i have met no one else i dont know anyone with mental health problems i think that makes me stand out all the more just once i want someone to understand me is that aski8ng too much

still here

i dont want to be here i went to pick up the planned prescription from the chemist but the gp hasnt done it yet he promised me it would be ready now i cant fetch it until late afternoon by then its too late to do anything as there all be coming home.now i have to find another day.the phone just rung it was my new thereapist with an appiontment to go and see her but its not while next week is it woth me waiting to see if it will help or should i just find another day for my plan,i  dont know im scared to die i dont want to hurt my children or my husband but they will be better off without me.the voices seem to be taking control i need to talk to someone last time i rung the crisis team i dont know whether to ring again. im so lost i wish i had a friend but thers no one. tommorrow i have a support worker coming wednesday i have the stepping stones course then thursday i have the cpn im going to try to get to see my phsyciatrist this week if she can get him to see me.im going to try that if it dosent work i will still have the meds then they say i didnt try everything.ive had to start cutting the other arm now because theres not much skin left but i dont want to ruin my tattoo can someone help me am i doing the right thing waiting or not                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

the darkness is coming and i cant hide

something is coming its dark and horrible ive known i guess for a while now but didnt want to admit to it because i am the only one that can stop it my family will suffer if i stay the only way to stop it is to go. the last two weeks the depression has got worse the ideas in my head ,the voices are back they have come to tell me the darkness is coming.last week i used up my diazapan early and had to beg my gp for some for over the weekend until i pick up my monthly supply tommorrow is the day i get a month of quatiapine,diazapan and duluxatine i do not want a stranger to find me or a family member i will try to ring my gp.i need help desperatly but dont know who to go to i dont get on with my cpn and she only works thursday friday so im alone i cant tell my gp whats happening i might need him to find me.my family love me but i must save them from the darkness they have put up with me for so long i feel there is no hope left for me now i need help to fight the darkness that is coming but i am alone with it only i can stop it.BPD wrecked my hole life im 45 and ive been fighting all my life the last 16 years with medication people say i will get better but its a lie.i just want to stay in bed and dream my own death is that normal i cant cope with life its too hard and i cant let my family down i have been a coward all my life am i doing the right thing will my family miss me am i doing the right thing or not i dont know i just cant be like this anymore

lonliness in a full house

im so tired of it all, tired of the pain, the loneliness and most of all life i start a course  tommorrow i was looking forward to it but now its time to go i just want to hide in bed under the covers away from a life i dont want.i had tried to loose weight but failed again i am fat ugly and unloveable im 45 ive been on medication for around 16 years now i feel like i have been on everything going.i take more and more but still wake up the next morning. i have been told to think possitive but i cant. i have brought my children up they are all over 18 now why wont they let me go all i want is to be at peace.i have just rung the docters for my prescriptions every month i ring a few days earlier in the hope they wont notice im taking more but ive been spotted and it hasnt gone through i now have to wait for the docter to lok through it all only that means im going to run out.ive gone cold turkey before and i just cant do it i need those tablets i guess that makes me sound addicted but im way past caring. im been pushed into a load of courses at the moment art,crafts etc but if people see me they will hate me beccause im so fat and useless it makes me cry then i take it out self harming at night so people hate me more.tommorrows group is in the cafe ive been banned from but i will cover my wrists up and hope they dont see its me.i got a letter about a 12 month DBT course but the lady running it is sick i think if i get to go it could be good for me but if i wont be around im taking someone elses place.i hat myself so much i cant spend another 16 years like this i want the pain to stop that cant be too much to ask

my lonely life

ive been to see the sychcitrist today i look forward to seeing him i think hes great but when ive come out i feel more down than ever ive got an appiontment for december thats the first official one hes got but he does say he will meet me inbetween with my cpn if i need too which i usually do.i feel so down so sick of my life i live with my family but i feel so lonely so detached from life its a life i dont want.im on a course on wednesday but were meeting in the cafe area the same one i was told i couldnt go in due to my self harm so i dont know if they will let me in.im still messing around with the meds ive got to try and get a prescription today a week early ive taken them all again. ive been talking to the voices a lot this week but there not being very helpfull.thers a new support worker coming this afternoon i cant remember her name were going out for a walk and a drink while my husbands support worker comes to see him im scared i know she want like me and i dont know what to talk about.people tell me im lucky living in huddersfield as i get a lot of support maybe i do but it just seems everyone wants to poke about in my brain if they knew the truth i would be in hospital by now.im watching the clock now waiting for them to come. i know i leave boring blogs but could someone leave me a comment just to let me know your there im just so lonely i just want to cry

im so tired

i am trying to be good,ive not self harmed for a week my wrists look tottally different but somehow there not mine,im trying to loose weight but with all the meds it makes it hard  as hard as i try i get nowhere,ive dyed my hair red but no one has commented on it maybe they dont care enough to comment.

i went to see a gp for some cream for a rash i get he was a locum and i had not seen him before i didnt think i mattered for some cream i expected to be straight in and out.he was over 5 mins before he called me in i thought he would be looking through my notes not many BPD people around so i guess i didnt blame him for having a look.so i asked and got the prescription for my rash i was nearly at the door when he said can i ask you about your medication i wanted to say no but im a coward so i sat down"its about the diazapan you take"? as i said im trying to be good im suppossed to take one twice a day but i do take more im trying to cut back down i was taking around 5 but i was running out early and got caught out.he went on about the deluxatine,qietiapine as well.i know i take big amounts but thats me
its all making me so tired trying to be good i can either keep the meds down or self harm i cant do both i want to find some peace somewhere anywhere where no one will critisise me all the time if someone will tell tell me its all ok im going to be ok because im not going to be ok some push to lower my meds some not to self harm but they dont tell me how.
iwas suppossed to be going on some courses but im only on one its about women with low self esteem etc im going but i dont know if it will help the one i wanted was for 12 months all about people will severe mental health problems but i was too low down the list to get on.ive tried to get on an craft/art course but i dont think ive been accepted.its very rare i want to do something but i usual it never works out.sorry im complaining im just so tired with my life i just want someone to aknoledge i am here and i have some sort of life

messing around with medication

i can think of a witty title today, im tired of it all i went to the scyhciatrist yesterday he is nice and listens to me my cpn got me an emergency appointment with him.hes the top docter and i am one of the few that hasnt been given to another docter im scared one day he will hand me over to another docter that wont care about me and just consider me one more scycotic idiot.im not sure im getting along with my new cpn i cant cope with change so ive found a new way to help,ive started doubling or in some cases trebling what im taking just to see if im still around the next morning but ive been caught out becauuse i get my prescriptions monthly so im running out.i talked about this with him as he was going to find out anyway from my gp so im only allowed a few at a time now.ive also been told i cant come in to see them without covering my cuts because it freaks people out but they dont care about me so why should i care about them.i feel so very very lonely no one seems to understand my life is like hell sometimes i go from one idea to the next hoping something will help but all i try fails.im 45 now i cant keep living like this.they wont put me in hospital in case it makes me worse but ive asked for copies of the letters in my file between my scyhciatrist and gp to see what they say about me but i dont know if i will get them so until later

why cant i use the word no

my cpn has rung even though i left a message that i didnt want her to get in touch. she wants me to come  and talk about why i dont want to see her again i said i would come as she kept going on about how much knoledge she had in BPD  i wanted to say no but i didnt so im going tommorrow she made me feel like i was in the wrong and now the conversation is going to be so difficult i dont see how im going to say i want to see someone else,i have no confidence in myself then i get angry with myself and then i will be up self harming all night until i finally get some sleep.im afraid that years of severe bullying while i was at school and even at my brief attept at work even though it was a long time age damaged any confidence and i will still go to any lenths to avoid having to disagree with people i would rarther just be a mug for people luckily i dont have any so called friends mental illness soon gets rid of them people still cross the road rarther than speak and now thats the way i prefer it. so, tommorrow is coming soon i will have to cover my scars make sure no bloods showing and go and be told how wrong i am again and im scared

struggling on BPD

For some reason i cant think of a title today maybe my brains turned to mush lifecarries on i went for a drink in the town centre today these are the only times i go except for once a year when my daughter and i go xmas shopping.so i go with my friend once a month shes actually my old cpn but they moved her to a different department,i miss her so very much she understands about BPD the problems and the emotional baggage that comes with it .i was doing so much better all my new one talks about is being possitive its like she thinks like a miserable sod on purpose.the thing is i know i have depression but i want to just lock that part away and concentrate on the borderline emotions,how my moods can fluctuate from ok to suicidal even in the same day ifeel my life hangs from a thread in which i have no control even in a room full of people i feel at my most alone and insicure this in when the self harm comes in to feel so alone ,unwanted and uncared for makes me want to scream that i just want someone to hold me but i cannot bare the thought of being touched i am now 46 ispent 14 years being dianozed between manic depressive and bi-polar before 2 years ago they finally got it right.the docters gave me a book about BPD it was like it had been written about me how did they get it wrong for such a long time.it might have labbelled me for life but at least its the right one

ive found someone at last - you

hi im new ive been looking for a new site so i can find someone else with BPD. I hate myself i hate how i have to live i feel my life was stolen sometime but ive always been different i grew up thinking deppression was normal for me the constant bullying the hate i found from people i hardly knew all becaause i was overweight i thuoght i deserved it maybe i did. now im all grown up but i still hate myself ive got married ive got kids. im now getting so low the self harm gets harder to keep a grip on and im taking far more tablets than perscribed but the empiness the feelings that i am nothing just a ball of emotion ,if it was taken away nothing would be left only an empty void were nothing could exist.my head screams it needs to talk to my cpn,doctor anyone but i cant talk to them they dont understand why my life is worth so little i am nothing.i have tried working when i was not too bad but once the BPD set in again they changed they laughed at me stopped talking to me etc so i was put on the sick and that is were i am now,unable to look after others or even after myself please reply just to say you got the blog please please dont ignore me i am so very alone