my first DBT course and life in general

its been a hard week ive now recovered from my roam around scotland i came back to a fairly tidy house but tons of washing never mind its done.tuesday i went to the doctors to have a blood test they rung back yesterday to say i have high risk of diabeties so i have to go for more tests next week its my own fault im so fat and stupid ive brought it on myself i wish i was as thin as most of you are i hate myself for what i am as much as i try ,700mg a day of quatiapine slows my metabolism i want to make myself sick but i am a coward and cant do it the last 10 years ive just sat and eaten more and more this is how it ended up.
tuesday afternoon i went with a support worker to a group where they do crafts im doing my rag rug now i like doing crafty things i didnt think i did but the people there are nice and my support worker judy stays with me
wednesday morning was the DBT class there are 2 scycoligists and 5 women but one didnt turn up so i dont know if shes coming next time.i didnt think it would be so hard we went through all the usual rules etc and she handed out some leaflets the first one wasBPD i hadnt expected it so soon to try and talk i couldnt speak they mentioned self harm especially cutting about ways to stop but i think i might be stranger than normal because all i wanted to do was cut right there right then the more they talked the more i wanted to do it to feel it to see the blood on my wrists it exited me i wanted it so badly i didnt concentrate onthe rest please tell me is it normal or am i sinking into another reality again what i didnt tell them was death was stood behind me all the time i saw him but they didnt he came with me and stayed all the time i was tired when it finished i stayed there for my next course it was a trip out it wasnt my thing they went into all the charity shops but i did buy my daughter a caender for2012 with cup cakes on every page i hope she likes it i slept well last night i had done all the cutting i needed to do and could now relax
thursday morning i went see my old CPN and we talked at her house and had a drink it was nice i miss her i was with her for years i wish she could come back but i know she cant so thats my boring week if nothing else it gave you something to do for 5 mins