they dredded shopping trip

once a week i have to take mum shopping today was the day i didnt want to go i really dont want to leave the house im scared to go out i dont know what reception i will get from mother.i stop outside the house to beep my horn i am already 30 mins late i rung to tell her i have to go to my brothers first to pick up his shopping list hes52 an alcoholic and spends all his time layed on the couch ordering from price drop tv another life my perants managed to mess up.so i go to mums she comes out dosent speak i want to cry iwant to go home i want to cut my wrists so deep until the relief comes instead i take her to the supermarket i get brothers shopping then take her home i stay for a drink she tells me my sisters been up twice[here we go again] she who can do no wrong then i come home im tired i only got 3 hours sleep last night.tommorrow my cpn and me are going to look through my medical records i am now obsessed with whats in there she tells not to get upset that makes me wonder even moe what is in there..i have used up the box of quiapine i got by mistake i had got up to 8 a night instead of two now all my meds are given to me on the exact day i will run out if i run out before i have to do without   at times i hate my schyciatrist and gp i know they are doing what they believe is best but i feel i am going mad the voices the hallusinations the cutting the constant fear of living its killing me.next week im going to scotland for 5 days so i am unable to cut but its a hotel so it should have a kettle in the room burns arnt as good as cuts but it will help until i get home ps candycan thanks for the comment i thought no one cared