lonliness in a full house

im so tired of it all, tired of the pain, the loneliness and most of all life i start a course  tommorrow i was looking forward to it but now its time to go i just want to hide in bed under the covers away from a life i dont want.i had tried to loose weight but failed again i am fat ugly and unloveable im 45 ive been on medication for around 16 years now i feel like i have been on everything going.i take more and more but still wake up the next morning. i have been told to think possitive but i cant. i have brought my children up they are all over 18 now why wont they let me go all i want is to be at peace.i have just rung the docters for my prescriptions every month i ring a few days earlier in the hope they wont notice im taking more but ive been spotted and it hasnt gone through i now have to wait for the docter to lok through it all only that means im going to run out.ive gone cold turkey before and i just cant do it i need those tablets i guess that makes me sound addicted but im way past caring. im been pushed into a load of courses at the moment art,crafts etc but if people see me they will hate me beccause im so fat and useless it makes me cry then i take it out self harming at night so people hate me more.tommorrows group is in the cafe ive been banned from but i will cover my wrists up and hope they dont see its me.i got a letter about a 12 month DBT course but the lady running it is sick i think if i get to go it could be good for me but if i wont be around im taking someone elses place.i hat myself so much i cant spend another 16 years like this i want the pain to stop that cant be too much to ask