they dredded shopping trip

once a week i have to take mum shopping today was the day i didnt want to go i really dont want to leave the house im scared to go out i dont know what reception i will get from mother.i stop outside the house to beep my horn i am already 30 mins late i rung to tell her i have to go to my brothers first to pick up his shopping list hes52 an alcoholic and spends all his time layed on the couch ordering from price drop tv another life my perants managed to mess up.so i go to mums she comes out dosent speak i want to cry iwant to go home i want to cut my wrists so deep until the relief comes instead i take her to the supermarket i get brothers shopping then take her home i stay for a drink she tells me my sisters been up twice[here we go again] she who can do no wrong then i come home im tired i only got 3 hours sleep last night.tommorrow my cpn and me are going to look through my medical records i am now obsessed with whats in there she tells not to get upset that makes me wonder even moe what is in there..i have used up the box of quiapine i got by mistake i had got up to 8 a night instead of two now all my meds are given to me on the exact day i will run out if i run out before i have to do without   at times i hate my schyciatrist and gp i know they are doing what they believe is best but i feel i am going mad the voices the hallusinations the cutting the constant fear of living its killing me.next week im going to scotland for 5 days so i am unable to cut but its a hotel so it should have a kettle in the room burns arnt as good as cuts but it will help until i get home ps candycan thanks for the comment i thought no one cared

im tied

im so tired but i sleep when possible with the lamp on the nightmares are getting worse every night my death by suicide by murder it dosent matter i wake at the last second people stare at me from the bottem of my bed i stare back terrified why do they want me i am nothing i am no one
life can hurt i went up  to my mothers today but she did not speak to me i tried talking to her but i was ignored i came home i dont know what ive done wrong i dont want to go again my self harm had been minimal the last few days tonight that will stop tonight it will be back to normal i will try not to get blood on the sheets.

my support worker came over to see me i told her about mum she said to put it to the back of my mind i only wanted my perants to love me dosent everyone want that but i failed somehow i wasnt good enough my sister is good enough but not me .tommorrow im going for my hair cut its been around 18 months since i last had it cut im having it short ive dyed it red hope i didnt make a mistake i did it when i was feeling better
so now im going to bed i can hear outnumbered on the tv behind me i usually find it funny but tonight ive taken a sleeping tablet so i can cope with tommorrow i feel alone so very very alone

me and my rag rug

yes i know its a strange title.it was my new support workers idea her name is judy and shes really nice we talk about anything at all i try to stay of my medications and my BPD because there all queing up to talk about that.so today i went to a group they run its in a church but its for anyone i was nervous driving over because its the other side of town so it took about 40 mins to get there but i thought i would try it out its better than been at home eating when im suppossed to be losing weight judy met me outside and introduced me i cant remember names very well but they all seemed friendly its for both men and women so i got a cup of tea and sat down.so today i started my rag rug i hadnt done it before so i started on a flower but know im designing my rug,the 2 hours passed really quick and i was glad id been different people had different problems but when youve sat for 3 weeks on the scych ward you can talk to anyone cant you.tommorrow morning its the scyhcologist and my stepping stones group in the afternoon theres no point me driving home really so i will get a drink in the cafe [arms to be covered or i still cant go in] so its a busy day again im hoping to find out when the 12 month course starts.i had to go to phisyso this morning with my knee so now it hurts twice as much as it did before know im going weekly there so know the only day i have free is friday when i go shopping when hubbie gets up i hope im not taking too much on i dont want it all blowing up in my face.i know this is a strange request but could you let me know if you see my blogs because i never get comments its ok if you say its because im miserable and boring at least i will know people see them so please please please could you just put me a comment down thanks

sitting in the corner

i had come out of a really bad few weeks ones if everything had gone right i would not be here still boring you about my boring life and its problems.thats what i feel i am boring i cant hold down a job like most people can and i know now i never will.i live my life with my family at home most days doing nothing more than wanting to hide from the human race. i am being selfish i know i have people who want to help me some days someone will come most days to check on the state of my "mental health" mondays its down to the docters tuesday its mt support worker wednesday im on a course in huddersfield for two hours in the afternoon thursday its my scyhcoligist and my cpn both seperatly and fridays every 4 weeks or so its the scyhcitrist so i do get lots of help and i dont mean to sound ungratefull.i wanted to get on the weight management course but they wont accept me until i havnt self harmed for 6 months at the moment if im not too bad i can go for 2 to 3 days any ideas welcome on how to loose weight while im on 700mg of quiapine nightly as well as diazapan and anti deppressents really if you shake me i might rattle does anyone know what works better for BPD because i feel like ive tried all thats going.i just feel so lonely just know and tired i slept last night but my heads on a different planet.im on my own all today everyones gone out so i guess i should do the housework its getting a mess but all i want to do is watch rubbish on tv well stare at itv anyway i dont really take it in.hopefully im on the november course for the 12 month schycology couse there will be others with BPD there too up to now i have met no one else i dont know anyone with mental health problems i think that makes me stand out all the more just once i want someone to understand me is that aski8ng too much

still here

i dont want to be here i went to pick up the planned prescription from the chemist but the gp hasnt done it yet he promised me it would be ready now i cant fetch it until late afternoon by then its too late to do anything as there all be coming home.now i have to find another day.the phone just rung it was my new thereapist with an appiontment to go and see her but its not while next week is it woth me waiting to see if it will help or should i just find another day for my plan,i  dont know im scared to die i dont want to hurt my children or my husband but they will be better off without me.the voices seem to be taking control i need to talk to someone last time i rung the crisis team i dont know whether to ring again. im so lost i wish i had a friend but thers no one. tommorrow i have a support worker coming wednesday i have the stepping stones course then thursday i have the cpn im going to try to get to see my phsyciatrist this week if she can get him to see me.im going to try that if it dosent work i will still have the meds then they say i didnt try everything.ive had to start cutting the other arm now because theres not much skin left but i dont want to ruin my tattoo can someone help me am i doing the right thing waiting or not                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

the darkness is coming and i cant hide

something is coming its dark and horrible ive known i guess for a while now but didnt want to admit to it because i am the only one that can stop it my family will suffer if i stay the only way to stop it is to go. the last two weeks the depression has got worse the ideas in my head ,the voices are back they have come to tell me the darkness is coming.last week i used up my diazapan early and had to beg my gp for some for over the weekend until i pick up my monthly supply tommorrow is the day i get a month of quatiapine,diazapan and duluxatine i do not want a stranger to find me or a family member i will try to ring my gp.i need help desperatly but dont know who to go to i dont get on with my cpn and she only works thursday friday so im alone i cant tell my gp whats happening i might need him to find me.my family love me but i must save them from the darkness they have put up with me for so long i feel there is no hope left for me now i need help to fight the darkness that is coming but i am alone with it only i can stop it.BPD wrecked my hole life im 45 and ive been fighting all my life the last 16 years with medication people say i will get better but its a lie.i just want to stay in bed and dream my own death is that normal i cant cope with life its too hard and i cant let my family down i have been a coward all my life am i doing the right thing will my family miss me am i doing the right thing or not i dont know i just cant be like this anymore

lonliness in a full house

im so tired of it all, tired of the pain, the loneliness and most of all life i start a course  tommorrow i was looking forward to it but now its time to go i just want to hide in bed under the covers away from a life i dont want.i had tried to loose weight but failed again i am fat ugly and unloveable im 45 ive been on medication for around 16 years now i feel like i have been on everything going.i take more and more but still wake up the next morning. i have been told to think possitive but i cant. i have brought my children up they are all over 18 now why wont they let me go all i want is to be at peace.i have just rung the docters for my prescriptions every month i ring a few days earlier in the hope they wont notice im taking more but ive been spotted and it hasnt gone through i now have to wait for the docter to lok through it all only that means im going to run out.ive gone cold turkey before and i just cant do it i need those tablets i guess that makes me sound addicted but im way past caring. im been pushed into a load of courses at the moment art,crafts etc but if people see me they will hate me beccause im so fat and useless it makes me cry then i take it out self harming at night so people hate me more.tommorrows group is in the cafe ive been banned from but i will cover my wrists up and hope they dont see its me.i got a letter about a 12 month DBT course but the lady running it is sick i think if i get to go it could be good for me but if i wont be around im taking someone elses place.i hat myself so much i cant spend another 16 years like this i want the pain to stop that cant be too much to ask